BS Recession

The question of the day it seems after reading my first entry is "Why aren't you married? You seem like the perfect woman!"

So I will address this question, answering in full detail no holds barred only ONCE. Got it? Get it? Good. I am one who tires of repetitive statements.

Answer: I don't know! And I am NOT perfect.

Now I have ventured down the marital green mile in my early twenties. My son's father and I dated for a few years and we headed to the courthouse to make it official. Circumstances and events ended that marriage before I even made the decision to legally change my name in the government way. There was no love lost in that divorce and it was the best decision I could have made for my sanity and physical well being.
Why havent I done it again?
I hit the dating scene and let a few good ones go as I was very self centered, immature and not ready to become Mrs. again anytime soon. However, in keeping an open mind at the time- I dated beneath my worth as a lot of young women will do, especially when you do not recognise the greatness in yourself that God has placed, that others will. Some are attracted to it and will compliment your swag, others with try to take it away from you. Hell... even in recent years-I still have been found guilty of the settling sin.

I've dated the "not so attractive but hes nice", the "I'm down on my luck but looking for a job", "I still live at home with my moms but I have goals girl", "the no I dont pick up books but I'm fascinated and yet intimadated by your mind", "the cornball", "the good friend", "emotionally unstable damn near clinically bipolar" types. Ha, I have even gone out of my race. I didnt discriminate.

And one by one, these men revealed what position they were to play in my life. Reason, Season or Lifetime. Not all ended bad. But what is there really good about an ending? I almost took that leap of faith into marriage about 5 or 6 years ago. I've healed from that hurt so well, I can barely see the scars or give you an actual timeframe. He was someone I dated as a teenager. I thought he was safe. A friend. A good friend. Someone I spent countless summer hours with and any free time I was allowed out of the house. Long story short he came looking for me, courted and got engaged within-no lie- 3 months. We had a good relationship, one that I figured, FINALLY, I can lay down these walls, trust someone, and give 1000% into this relationship. And why shouldnt I have? He was a friend first right? We talked, we laughed, we cried, he was proud to introduce ME as his fiance, it was me and him against the world. And he was ready to COMMIT. Jackpot! We had problems, nothing major, nothing that communicating or his mother (:0) couldnt fix.

God, unfortunately at the time was nowhere in the midst or in the foundation. Months into the relationship , what we like to call "intuition", God start poking at me-tapping me on my shoulder. There was something wrong here. And when the intangible starts manifesting with the tangible...ET needs to phone home. I had not an ounce of solid proof- just discomfort. I remember praying about it. I asked God simply, "God. I love this man but if he is not the one you have meant for me, I need you to remove him out of my life. I dont have the strength to do it."
One week later...to the day of that prayer.
He left his email open on my computer, his birthday, instead of shutting down- he just powered off the monitor. As I went to check MY email I realized what was in front of me. I had the keys to the kingdom. At first EBONY hesitated, thinking 'I trust this man, I dont need to go through his email.' Jane Bond immediately overruled and spoke loudly. "You want answers, you can have them. If you find nothing- apologize for invading his privacy- better yet, dont even mention it.'
I went straight for his sent box. (Never go to the inbox. The inbox is way more maintained than the sent. And if you have something to hide- set your email so that there is not a paper trail of what you have sent.) And lo and behold, what did we have here. Messages to his hood rat's sidekick. Now she may have had something going for herself, I dont know- all I took away from the conversation with her was that she knew of me, knew we were engaged, and that it was just a sexual extracurricular relationship that she'd had with him for a few years.
Hmm. (Insert lots of screaming, yelling, vase throwing, get the hell out of my house the wedding is OFF here.) And lets not get into the whole "why are the jumpoffs so UNATTRACTIVE storyline..."
After a few weeks of bed ridden, sobbing, cant eat- cant sleep, just make it go AWAY woe is me....I actually met up with him, and it was goodbye. A small part of me wanted to chalk it up and take one for the team. However - everything happens for a reason, right? I mean there were series of negative nasty events that took place afterwards that just opened my eyes to what I almost ALMOST allowed to become a permanent factor in my life.
Ask and you shall receive.
I let prayer, time and friends take it's course on me, gave God all the broken pieces of my heart, He being the great physician can fix it all IF you give it all back to Him.

There were interests that were and remain hardly worth mentioning simply due to the fact, they were, as my friend Candyce would say, "emotional vampires". The parasite of a man who has an agenda. He appears smooth talking, with promises of devotion, will put the representative on in full pristine package mode and suck you dry emotionally, spiritually, AND financially if you let them.

And then came the summer of 2009 when I met my "significant other." Still angry, a bit jaded...but healing. He swept me off my feet initially. He was a breath of fresh air. The honeymoon phase wore off and both of our REAL personalities emerged. The real work began. He is not perfect, there are things I would change about him- there are things I absolutely detest about him. As I am sure there are in me. I know my faults. I am agressive- yet passive. I allow things to build up to a point where it becomes fatally explosive...it takes something dead wrong to get me to that point. I DEMAND loyalty to the team and to the cause. I DEMAND respect and fideltiy. Not that those are bad traits- you either step up to the mic or let someone handle it.

So almost a year (and not a consecutive one lol) into this investment, I am now checking the emotional growth portfolio and have it placed under a strict probationary period as to whether it is worth continuing into on a grand scale. Yes, I use the analogy of an investment because thats what relationships are. I would not buy stock or trade in a company that doesnt help increase my assets, why should I do so in a relationship? Sometimes "love" is just NOT enough. I dont come to a shoot out with a knife. I dont need you taking the gleam away from my DIAMOND because stones are common and easy. I'll keep you posted on whethere or not the company is back on the market. Soon. *wink*

I've already sent up the similar prayer- and trust me, the Father ALWAYS answers, you just have to be prepared to receive it.

Yes, the BS recession is in FULL effect and it does WONDERS for my emotional economy.

Dig it-it's deep.... keep on concentrating.

Kel Spencer says it best, "I am the fence- my grass is ALWAYS green."

Now with that being said- let's move right along in this journey.

Welcome. You have been warned.

bjb